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Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

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Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 10:19 am

So I thought we needed a joke thread. For jokes only obviously, so please dont contaminate it with random replies rainbow derp 

WARNING!
MAY CONTAIN HIGHLY OFFENSIVE JOKES! JOKES DO NOT REFLECT THE POSTERS PERSONAL OPINION AND ARE SOLELY OF ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES!  pff, ponies...  

WARNING!

After this has been said - let's hear your funniest jokes We are all mad here
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 10:21 am

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Enerdshirak on Mon Mar 03, 2014 2:06 pm

Whatever you might call it, some refer to this as the world's longest joke. Here you go!
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Abaddon on Mon Mar 03, 2014 2:48 pm

What did the buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
Spoiler:
Bye son!

What kind of bagel can fly?
Spoiler:
A plain bagel.

What time does a tennis player go to Wimbledon?
Spoiler:
About ten-ish.

What kind of bees make milk?
Spoiler:
booBees
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 5:04 pm

The scariest thing about this world war 3 starting is that we are on the Germans' side. They've never won a world war yet.


Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for Russian aggression in Ukraine.

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now.



Over 150 hurt and 35 killed in terrorist knife attacks in China.

They kind of make suicide bombers look a bit like soft twats, don't they?
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Bibbedsine on Mon Mar 03, 2014 7:13 pm

On your own risk can offend someone:
Hitler was sitting with one Jew in restaurant and the Jew started to dig in the ashtray. Hitler asked: "Are you searching for someone there?"
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Bibbedsine on Mon Mar 03, 2014 7:41 pm

Two friends met at the street and the first says: Hi you know whats new I got two medals from Paralympic games and you? What you got?
Second guy answers: Well I got two legs
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:19 pm

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:19 pm

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:21 pm

Some kid was playing up and being a right twat in Tesco, so his dad gave him a smack. This German woman comes over and tapped the dad on the shoulder and said, "In my country we don't smack our children."

He replied, "Well, in our country we don't gas our Jews."
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:22 pm

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:23 pm

If World War One was a bar Fight... (Worth the read even though its quite long)
Spoiler:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Bibbedsine on Tue Mar 04, 2014 12:19 pm

Jesus  Very Happy 
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Speed_Of_Pain on Thu Mar 06, 2014 4:50 pm

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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by DerpyHooves on Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:30 pm

I'm known as Shitaki in Japan, yeah, it's cause they think I'm a fun-guy.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Speed_Of_Pain on Sun Mar 09, 2014 7:10 pm


^ literally shit joke  Razz 
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Grzyby on Mon Mar 10, 2014 12:08 am

4:50 LEGEND
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Mon Mar 10, 2014 8:44 am



46.2
After 10 years of marriage, I've learned an important lesson.

Flowers and an apology are a lot easier than actually changing.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Abaddon on Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:38 pm

What do you call a fake noodle?
Spoiler:
An impasta!

Where are otters from?
Spoiler:
Otter space

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Spoiler:
Because then it's be a foot!

What is brown and sticky?
Spoiler:
A stick.

Why was the book afraid of the bookshelf?
Spoiler:
It was shelf conscious.



Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Twilight_Sparkle on Tue Mar 18, 2014 4:42 pm

Speed_Of_Pain wrote:

I love it.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Switchtense on Fri Mar 21, 2014 5:04 pm

Spoiler:
What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

Spoiler:

If you blow up Mecca, do Muslims spin around like a broken compass?
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Grzyby on Sun Mar 23, 2014 7:12 am

Enerdshirak wrote:Whatever you might call it, some refer to this as the world's longest joke. Here you go!
Nailed it.


dayum o.O
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Speed_Of_Pain on Sat Mar 29, 2014 5:53 pm

 Very Happy 
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Onicron on Wed Apr 02, 2014 4:49 pm

-So Bob, how did your amputation go?
-Great, I hardly even notice my leg anymore!
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by DerpyHooves on Thu Apr 03, 2014 9:31 am

Human walks into a bar in Equestria, barman says "Why the long face?"

I did joke right? That is how you joke?
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Deldrin on Thu Apr 03, 2014 11:51 am

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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Speed_Of_Pain on Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:02 pm

well, that escalated quickly
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by DerpyHooves on Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:06 pm

Speed_Of_Pain wrote: well, that escalated quickly

Bitches be hatin' an trippin yo.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by MelonChaser on Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:43 pm

DerpyHooves wrote:
Speed_Of_Pain wrote: well, that escalated quickly

Bitches be hatin' an trippin yo.

I wonder what his cutie mark be~ Hmm, nah Would it still count as a CM being on his butt?
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

Post by Abaddon on Thu Apr 03, 2014 9:36 pm

Speed_Of_Pain wrote: well, that escalated quickly
I'm not calling fake, but I've seen memes made with iphonetextgenerator which were more legit than this.
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Re: Jokes (literally all kinds - view thread at own risk)

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